I think I must have been very drunk last night. I couldn’t tell you for sure because I only have a coherent picture of events up to around ten o clock. I remember clearly welcoming Casey, Terry and Dom into my house and also that cock Simon was there. I remember playing far too many drinking games and drinking most of the bottle of vodka and I remember going out.
The next couple of hours are a blur. There was jumping and dancing and throwing up a couple of times. Buying as many drinks as possible at any one time so we didn’t have to go up to the bar too often and still going up to the bar every few minutes. Lot’s and lots of peeing as the alcohol rushes through everyone’s system and also that prick Simon was still there.
Then twelve o clock hit. Someone shouted midnight. I blacked out.
It was nine o’ clock when the black veil lifted and I found myself lying face up right at the edge of my bed, wondering exactly what the hell had happened to me the night before. I also noticed that something was different about my room. Something was there that wasn’t supposed to be there, or at least wasn’t usually there. It took my at least five minutes to realise it was the short blonde girl lying next to me. That was definitely not a regular fixture in my room.
The girl was either younger than me or the same age as me, possibly even older than me. I really couldn’t tell and I wasn’t able to ask her either on account of her being dead. Disturbingly she was wearing my tiger onesie but she had it on the wrong way, with the hood pulled down. I wondered if I had offered her the onesie or if she had wandered into my room and just put it on before crawling into bed. Also she was dead. That was, needless to say, quite disturbing.
Now I’m sure some of you have woken up with dead girl you’ve never seen before lying next to you in your beds and I’m sure many of you are, by now, experts at dealing with just such a situation. Some of you probably knew just what to do the first time it happened, and that is just very impressive. I am not one of those people, and I’m actually ashamed to say that I panicked. I found myself in a situation I wasn’t entirely comfortable with, and I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to do.
In the end I decided to have breakfast. That may seem a little insensitive but I figured there was no use trying to figure out exactly what had happened on an empty stomach. I wouldn’t go into an exam having had no breakfast and this was, if anything, even more stressful than an exam. I had to find out exactly what had happened the night before and why there was a dead girl in my bed before anyone else found out there was a dead girl in my bed and I went to prison, something that I did not want to do.
It was going to be tricky. The thing is, and I don’t mean to sound horrible, dead people are fucking useless. Mystery girl just lay upstairs doing nothing and she wasn’t going to tell me who she was, how we’d met, or whether or not I had battered her head in, no matter how many times I asked her. No, if I was going to find out exactly what had happened the previous night I was going to have to talk to some more reliable sources, preferably living ones.
Images came back to me as the day progressed. Images that were spurred along by my friends from the night before. Casey told me the last time she had seen me was at quarter to twelve when she had left the club with her boyfriend. Queue images of kissing Casey on the cheek and staggering back to the dance floor with the boys. Terry and Dom told me they had last seen me staggering out of the club at 1.30 with Simon. Assuming I was safe with that arse they left me to it. Queue images of me staggering down the road telling Simon we weren’t so different, him and I, although we are. He’s a cock.
Simon wasn’t answering his phone, forcing me to actually go around and see him. I felt weird about leaving a strange girl alone in my flat but figured it would probably be okay. She was unlikely to steal anything, after all. So I left her, and I cycled all the way over to Simon’s trying to ignore the pounding hangover rattling around in my brain and hoping against hope it was Simon who had killed mystery girl so I could call the police on him and get rid of him for good. Also they’d probably remove the body from my house, which would save me the unpleasant task of dragging her out of my house and burying her.
“What do you want?” Simon asked in a none to endearing tone that made me want to kill him, as well as the girl, if I killed the girl, otherwise he’d make a nice first kill anyway.
“Good morning Simon, sorry to bother you so early in the day, thing is, I kind of need to know what happened last night when we left the club?”
“I dunno man, you were wittering on about how much we were alike and how you were never going to leave my side, then you met this blonde girl and fucked off. I didn’t see you after that.”
“Right. Or… Out of jealously that I had met someone and you hadn’t cause you’re super ugly and no one likes you, did you follow me home, sneak into my room and murder the girl next to me to get me in trouble and you’d better not lie because I will find out.”
Simon just stood there; looking a little stunned, and a little freaked out. I could already tell that he hadn’t followed me home, and he hadn’t killed the girl who had woken up next to me. Worryingly this put me in an odd position where I had sort of inadvertently admitted to having a murdered girl in my house with no other suspects in the case of her murder but me. Once again I could feel the panic swelling up in me as I wondered whether people grew to enjoy being raped in prison or whether it was just one of those things that is always rubbish and uncomfortable, like prostate exams.
“Simon… I can explain.”
When I returned home there was an ambulance by my house. My parents were standing outside talking to a paramedic and it looked like my mother had been crying. Simon was by my side and somehow that made me feel even more uncomfortable about the whole situation. There were no police cars as of yet but I assumed it would only be a matter of time before they arrived.
It was time to face the music.
I headed down towards my parents and faced up to them. Taking deep breaths and wondering how I was going to explain that it was okay that I was a murderer and they should probably just accept me anyway. However hard it was going to be it was probably going to be easier than explaining to a jury not to put me in prison, so that was something I supposed.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” My mother asked through sobs. I could only shrug.
“Did you think we wouldn’t be able to help?” My father asked and again I shrugged, not wanting to tell him the only help I really would have wanted would be to bury the body so that I never got in trouble for murder.
“Look I don’t remember anything,” I said, flustered, it must have just happened, I don’t even know how it happened. I don’t even know what happened.
“She must have forgotten her inhaler,” piped up the paramedic.
“Her what now?”
“Her inhaler. She goes into a massive asthma attack and there’s nothing she could do, especially if you were spark out.”
“She died of an asthma attack,” I said, stunned. “That is…” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. Obviously it says a lot about me that I saw a girl not breathing and suddenly assumed that I had killed her, without even thinking about the fact it could have been something else. Clearly the black hole in my mind confused me, leading me to believe only the worst. Still, this could be good news. In actual fact, my mind was so taken over with the fact that I hadn’t actually killed blonde girl, that I completely forgot one very important fact.
Then, “what’s that?” My dad asked.
I looked down to my side and swore under my breath. I had completely forgotten about Simon. Now I could almost see him through the bin bag I held at my side.
This was going to take some explaining.