alexthompson.me

The hardest part of apologising to Sandy would be filming it without her noticing and I took a considerable amount of time working out how it could be achieved. In the end, mastermind that I am, I came up with the solution. In fact the idea killed two birds with one stone as it involved the suit I had been dying to wear I had bought on a whim a couple of weeks ago. It was a beautiful dark grey creature with a crisp white shirt and a slim black tie, topped off with some beautiful shoes. Putting it on I almost forget about my mission, I was happy just to walk up and down staring at myself in the mirror in my beautiful suit.

Eventually I was forced to continue with my mission. I cut a small hole in the breast pocket of my suit and covered it with some netting so it was less obvious. Then I slid my phone into the pocket and stuck it down with tape so the camera was facing into the hole. Now, all I had to do when the time was right was press the button and I would be able to record everything that happened in the room without anyone ever knowing. I don’t like to blow my own trumpet but this was actually a genius idea. Patent pending.

I put on my suit and head off to Sandy’s flat. I was nervous; I had taken on this little mission without really thinking about it. Sure I had called up everyone I knew to find out where all of my ex-girlfriends were living, then I had planned the route I would take but I hadn’t really thought of the apologising bit. It sounded easy, but this had to be heartfelt and warm if anyone was ever going to forgive me. I had humiliated Sandy just the day before and I had hurt all the other girls in various different ways. What if James was right, what if they wouldn’t accept my apology. Then I really would be screwed. I wondered if Jess would still take me back if I came back having failed. I seriously doubted it. I needed to make this work.

I don’t like to brag but I’ve always been good at reading the signals women send out, so when Alice opened the door and then immediately slammed the door in my face, I knew that she probably wasn’t best pleased to see me. Still, if at first you don’t succeed … so I knocked again, and I kept knocking until Alice finally came to the door, a look that can only be described as anger on her face. I wasn’t sure why, it wasn’t like I’d ever hurt her, girls just take things too personally.

“What do you want?” She snapped in a rather un-host like tone.

“I would like to see Sandy if that’s at all possible please Alice.” I assumed my polite, calm voice, would in turn calm her down and she might start being nicer to me. Unfortunately this was not to be and instead she decided to keep up her angry front. Well, if I had to be the bigger man, I decided that was a burden I would just have to bear.

“Look… You. Go away. She doesn’t want to see you. You really hurt her and there is no way she is ever going to forgive you, just leave her alone.”

“I can’t do that. I feel terrible about what I said, I handled it all wrong and I’ve been up all night thinking about it. I just want to have a quick chat with her, try and apologise properly, to her, because I want to, not for me. Please. You know I’m just going to keep knocking if you don’t let me in to talk to her.” That seemed to do it, she obviously wasn’t a fan of knocking because she stepped back and I was allowed to walk in.
I had lived in a couple of student flats while I was in university and neither of them had been as nice as this. We walked past a living room that was the size of my entire flat, a kitchen that had enough room for a fridge, a freezer, a microwave and with space left to stand and sit. The walls were all nicely painted and there were no holes in the ceiling. I considered asking her how she had found such a magnificent place on a student budget but didn’t think she would receive such a question too well at that point in time. Instead I just allowed her to lead me in silence through to Sandy’s room. I wasn’t allowed in straight away and Alice stood in front of it, still glaring at me, ready to part some warning words on me before I was able to pass through the door.

“The moment you say anything to upset her, I’m going to come in there and rip both your ears off, okay?”

“That seems a bit extreme.”

“Well then don’t upset her, and we won’t have a problem, okay?”

“You know you have some anger issues and I really think it might be beneficial for you to go and see someone, you know just work through them. Why are you looking at me like that? I promise I won’t upset her okay. No ears if I do. I get it.”

She nodded and went into the room, holding out her hand so that I couldn’t go in. I’d never had an introduction before; I felt my ego swell despite the fact that I knew I wasn’t being talked up. Still, there was no time to dwell on it; I forced myself to run over in my head what I was going to say. This was my second heartfelt apology of the day, it was all very draining, and if this went well, I’d have a lot more coming up in the near future. I hoped that this went well.

After a couple of minutes I was allowed into the room. I felt like I was entering a secret temple by this point. Once I entered I realised that if there was a secret cult of Justin Bieber worshipers, which, let’s face it, there probably is, then I was in its headquarters. The room was covered in Justin posters, Justin bobble heads, Justin CD’s. It was mad. I guess I had underestimated how obsessive some people get about things, of course, looking back on it, Sandy was the sort of person who would have got obsessive about all the new crazes, it was just the kind of person that she was, and, despite all of the crazy Bieber stuff, the first thing that I noticed was her double bed and all the floor space. I would have taken all the Justin crap if it meant I could have a room like this.

Sandy herself was sitting on the end of her bed when I entered, her legs folded up to her chest and she looked like she had been crying. I felt quite awkward. I didn’t really like crying girls, they scared me and I didn’t know how to act around them, but here I was, dealing with my second crying girl in two days. I just sat quietly on the chair and didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes, wondering if she would like to start or if I was expected to. This whole apology thing was quite difficult, it was new to me and I really didn’t know the rules.

“Sandy, I’ve come to apologise,” I said after the silence became too much for me and it became obvious that she wasn’t going to talk. “I realise that I handled the situation yesterday very badly and you may have come away feeling a little bit like you were attacked. This was not my intention at all, I just, I didn’t think, that’s my problem you see I talk without thinking and other people end up getting hurt. But that wasn’t my intention at all. That is why I’m here, to apologise so that you can feel better I suppose.” I realised I was talking in a very unusual way and I was pretty sure I had never said intention twice in the same week before, let alone the same speech.

“A little bit attacked?” She said between highly unattractive sobs, “you humiliated me. You made me think that you liked me. You invited me around to your place and then you told me that you had never really liked me and actually you’d been kissing another girl just seconds before I’d arrived. Then you told me you’d be using me.”

“Yes. I know, that is definitely a factual account of what has happened over the last couple of days and I understand how you’ve come off feeling quite bad as a result of it, and that is why I’m sorry. I’m a terrible terrible person and I feel awful.”

“You’re right. You are a terrible person. I should have trusted my instincts. You can always tell by the name. But I let you dupe me into thinking that it was different with you.”

“Seriously what is wrong with my name? Name’s and personalities have nothing to do with each other you know. Although I guess by the looks of it you do allow people to walk over you which is a lot like a beach which is sandy so I guess I can see how you came to your whole name conclusion thing but my name is actually normal and did I mention that I’m really sorry?” Once again I was kicking myself, if I could just hold off from making sarcastic jokes for a few seconds of my life things would probably start to go a lot better for me. I certainly knew there was a chance I had just blown it with Sandy by being me.

Sandy didn’t reply straight away and seemed to be regressing more into herself. I suddenly pictured what would happen if she started to cry, the horrible pain of my ears being ripped off. I glanced around cautiously at the door to make sure that Alice wasn’t about to burst in. Hopefully she wasn’t listening in outside the door but I could almost definitely guarantee that she was. If she had heard my comparison between Sandy and beaches then I could potentially be in a lot of trouble.

“Do you actually know how much what you said yesterday hurt me?” She asked, taking me by surprise, “I mean has it ever happened to you? You come around here all ready to apologise but do you even really know what affect you had on me. Do you know what effect your actions ever have on anyone? Pardon me for saying but you seem like the kind of guy with the sarcastic tongue who does what he wants, says what he thinks is funny and doesn’t think about how much he’s hurt someone until later, and even then he thinks a quick sorry will make everything okay again. Do you ever actually think about it though?”

“What? I don’t know. I guess…” The question threw me. She had pretty much nailed my personality in one. Why was I here apologising? Because I thought it would help me get with Jessica, why did I ever apologise. I didn’t really, unless I was forced to. And I never really thought about what effect my actions had on other people, unless it affected something that I wanted. I wasn’t really here apologising for the right reasons and Sandy knew that. She also knew that I had no idea how she was feeling. And how could I? I’d never allowed myself to feel like that. I leant back slightly, trying not to seem too annoyed. Sandy was making me get pensive and think inwardly, I hated doing that.

“I didn’t think so,” she said and her smug look made my self-reflection period end. I couldn’t allow myself to get bogged down by emotions now, I was going to be a great, heartfelt, all on the line boyfriend to Jessica, but I wouldn’t get that unless I got some forgiveness. If I couldn’t even get Sandy to forgive me then I had no hope with anyone else, and actually, maybe the best way to get forgiveness from Sandy was to let myself feel. Or at least pretend I was.

“You are right Sandy,” I said, “I have no idea how you are feeling, I’m here more for myself than I am for you and you’re right again, usually I don’t think about my actions and I feel like a simple sorry wave of the wand will make everything okay again, but it really doesn’t does it. You shouldn’t forgive me until I really know what I’m apologising for. So please, tell me how you felt, what made it so bad. Tell me so I can truly apologise.”

So she did. I won’t repeat everything here because it was quite long winded and I didn’t listen to all of it, but the long and the short of it was that she had been hurt before, dumped by someone who had only been with her for lack of someone else and had moved on the moment another girl had shown any interest. She hadn’t wanted to date, she just wanted to be alone and it had taken a lot for Alice to persuade her to come on a date with me, just like it had taken a lot for James to get me to come on the date. And when she had got there, she had actually allowed herself to like me, just a little bit, and when I had invited her round a couple of days later she had really thought there was a chance. So what I said, it had really hurt her. That was actually something that I could understand.

She told me all that, and more, and for the most past, I listened, and when she was done I gave her a real, heartfelt apology, which she accepted. I got it on tape and really that was the important thing but I left that room feeling slightly less sure of myself than when I had gone in. Still, I had what I needed and it was time for a road trip. I needed to forget about what Sandy had said and how for a second she had made me think about myself and how my actions were affecting other people. I needed to enjoy the road trip. I needed to think about what was going to happen and how good it would be when Jessica finally agreed to be my girlfriend. It was what I had always wanted and no one was going to ruin that for me.

So I was on the way. Mission began. Next stop. Portsmouth.

“You are such a screw up,” James claimed in response to my heart-wrenching tale of lost love and pain. I had spent the whole night sitting up thinking about it, a horrible feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach, and these were the comforting words my best friend gave me. I was starting to think that I really wasn’t very good at picking friends. I didn’t want to be sitting in his room, pouring my heart out while he played Call of Duty insisting that he was listening, I wanted to be a flat over, trying to make things right with Jessica, but that wasn’t working out so great.

I had spent all night thinking about what I was going to say. How I was going to profess my love for her and tell her the only reason I had even gone for someone else was because I believed that she was too good for me and I would never have a chance. How I had genuinely wanted to take care of her and the kiss had just thrown me, because it was everything I had ever wanted, and I wished the moment that it happened that I didn’t have a previous engagement. It was all so perfect in my head, the whole speech, she was going to hear me out and take me back and it would be easy. Why is nothing ever easy?

I wasn’t even given a chance to screw up the speech. When I woke up, after about 45 minutes of sleep, Ross was back. Don’t worry (if you were) they weren’t getting back together. There was much more hate and anger than love and regret in the air. He was just picking up his stuff and they were having their final argument. I got the distinct impression that there would be no break up sex, although that could have just been wishful thinking on my part. Anyway, there was no way I could confront Jessica while that prat was around, so I was forced to lie low in my flat until he receded into her room to get the rest of his stuff. Then I headed down to see James.

James’ immediate concern was, and this not out of character, for himself. He was worried that me hurting and humiliating Sandy would be bad for him. He would look like an arsehole by association and Alice wouldn’t want to have the sex with him anymore. Not surprisingly this was something I actually couldn’t care less about. My life was falling apart and all he could talk about was himself. It was disgusting. I needed some sort of advice on how I could get around to Jessica and I wasn’t going to let him use his whole diversion thing.

“Maybe you could buy her flowers?”

“Oh what, and a box of chocolates? Yeah I’ll just head on down to the cliché shop shall I. Be serious James, this is serious.”

“You know you’re a very sarcastic person.”

“I have been told, unfortunately that little nugget of information is very rarely any help. Again, I must stress how important this is. I have the chance for true happiness if I can just fix things. I just need to make her see.”

“After what you said? I really don’t think she’s ever going to take you back man. I mean, Alice said she’s been hurt before.”

It took me a second to realise that there had been a misunderstanding before I said, “not Sandy you idiot. Jessica, how can I make things right with Jessica?”

“Oh Jessica. Well just go back, give her the speech you were going to give her this morning, just, when Ross isn’t around.”

“And what if she doesn’t accept it?”

“Accept that you screwed up, and move on.”

I pretended to believe he was right because I knew I wasn’t going to get any more useful information out of James at that time, but I knew very well that there was no way I was going to let this lie. If Jessica didn’t fall into my arms after my heartfelt speech then I would do absolutely anything I could to win her over another way. I wouldn’t give up either, I would continue to pursue her until she forgave me or got a restraining order. Only after those two scenarios would I stop trying to show her just how much I loved her.

Ross had gone by the time I got back which I was thankful for, I really wasn’t interested in any parting words with him, especially as I was likely to rub in his face the news of the previous nights kiss. As satisfying as that would be for me it would likely earn me a punch in the face and make my uphill struggle to get Jessica to forgive me even more uphill, and I didn’t do well with any kind of hills, metaphorical or literal. No, Ross being gone meant I could get straight to the heartfelt stuff, straight to the winning Jessica back.

Cleverly I didn’t say anything as I knocked on Jessica’s door, for fear that she would not answer if she knew it was me. She opened it and I was already started before she could close it again, I dived straight into my speech and considering I hadn’t even written it down I think it went pretty well, I almost welled up at times. I knew for sure that if it had been the other way around then I would have taken me back. I would have grabbed me right then and pulled me into my room and had my way with me. Man it would be easier if I was in love with me, I’m nowhere near as difficult as girls.

Finally I finished, then it was Jessica’s turn: “Look,” she started, a good start, I thought, “I’m not angry with what happened, I can’t be really. I like you, okay? I wouldn’t have kissed you otherwise. I actually thought that there was a chance that I might really like you, and you might really like me. Something could have happened. Then again, I thought all the same things with Ross and look what’s happened there. I invested a lot into that relationship and I’m not really willing to do the same again if it’s just going to end up in me getting hurt.

“You’re a heartbreaker, Sandy arriving last night, it just reminded me of that fact. You admitted it yourself and just because I didn’t see you for seven years doesn’t mean I didn’t hear about you. You didn’t just stop at breaking Leanne’s arm did you? There was what, four more? And now you can add Sandy to that list. That’s six girls you’ve really hurt in one way or another and I’m sorry, I’m just not interested in being added to that list.”

“No!” I shouted unnecessarily loudly, “you don’t understand. The reason I’m like that, it’s because you rejected me. You turned me down and I decided then and there that I was never going to be hurt again, I really liked all the girls I’ve gone out with, and I didn’t mean to hurt any of them, it just… it just happened that way. But it wouldn’t be like that with you. You’re the girl Jessica. The Girl! Do you know what I’m saying?”

“You’re saying it’s my fault these girls walked away with broken hearts and or arms? Maybe I should apologise to them.” She glared at me and I had to fight myself to think of something rational to say. She was making things incredibly difficult for me.

“No, it’s not your fault,” I said, choosing my words carefully, this wasn’t part of the plan. “It’s just … you’re the one.”

“You can’t guarantee that. You’re living with a dream and you don’t really know what it would be like if we got together. I like you, sure, but all I’ve got is this image of you going through life, breaking hearts because you’re too afraid to get close to anyone, and what have you got of me, some fantasy that you cooked up when you were five?”

“And what I know now, listen I’m different to what you think, how can I show you that?”

“Have you ever even apologised?”

“What’s that?” I kicked myself inside, definitely not the right time to be making jokes, I backtracked, “I mean, yeah I suppose, well I don’t know, most of them didn’t give me the chance. Is that what you need? I can do that, if I apologise to Leanne, Mary, Claire, Louise and Daisy, will you give me a chance. I can make amends, I can prove to you that I’m not like that.”

“Yeah, right. You go and get video messages of you apologising to all those girls, and Sandy, and them accepting, and then I’ll forgive you. Is that really what you’re going to do? Now you’re just being silly. We both just need to move on. I’m your boss, and I can be your friend too given time, but I can’t be your girlfriend, not now. I just can’t risk it, I’m sorry.”

And with that, she closed the door, closed it on my hopes and dreams. Almost. Now I knew that I had a chance. Now I knew that all I had to do was drive around to the houses of six girls that I had been out with, or almost been out with, video record myself apologising to them and them accepting, and I could make things right with Jessica. What more proof could she need that I was deadly serious about her? This was happening. After all, how hard could it be?

“Really hard!” James seemed to think, “are you mental? I mean I can’t speak for everyone but just speaking to Sandy I know that she is nowhere near ready to forgive you anytime soon. And most of those other girls won’t even remember you. Secondly, once you say you need to video tape the apology, they’re going to know that you don’t really mean it. Look mate, you really haven’t thought this through. Wouldn’t moving on just be easier?”

“I have thought this through, I’ve been thinking about it all day. Listen. I start with Sandy, because she’s here and it’s all fresh, she’ll appreciate a quick apology. Once I’ve sealed her, I go across to Portsmouth where Leanne is now living. Then I go up back to my hometown where we meet up with Mary Morris. Then further up to Manchester where crazy Claire now resides. Then, across to Bristol where Lucy is for some reason studying at university and then to Wales city where Daisy has gone. Finally back here where I show all the tapes to Jessica, she forgives me and we get married.” It all sounded so perfect in my head but James was still giving me a sceptical look and I had to admit, hearing myself say it out loud it didn’t sound like the most full proof plan, but I was not to be deterred.

“As for your second problem, they wont know that I am filming them. I am going to have a camera phone on at all times but they won’t even realise. That way I can come across as genuine and caring, they will accept my apologies then, aforementioned marriage. All I need is for you to come with me so that someone can drive me around.”

“Well that’s very impressive,” James said, not looking at all impressed, “except that I’m not coming on some stupid ex-booty hunt with you. It’s stupid. I don’t want to be your wheelman, I’ve got a job remember. So just forget it and give up, okay? Move on forget Jessica, I really don’t know how many signs you need before you’ll her the message that it’s never going to happen.”

“Think about James, it will be like our very own road trip. Like in Road Trip, or Sex Drive, but set in England, and we’ll be allowed to drink. You love those films. Come on man, what is more looked upon with coolness than the age-old road trip. We come back with all our mental stories then we will be the coolest people in the entire country, think of all the bar stories we can tell. I am telling you, there is no way that this cannot work out amazingly for both of us.”

“Except that I don’t think you can achieve your crazy goal. Also, Jessica is going to know you don’t mean your apologies and you’re still just a bastard. Finally, I don’t approve, what you’re doing is wrong. You shouldn’t apologise unless you actually mean it.”

“I understand your scepticism, and I think I have a solution. How about, I go and get the forgiveness from Sandy, fully recorded and ready to go. If I can prove that I can get that, then you put enough faith in me to come on this trip. Also, I just need you to put aside your morals for now and come for me. Please. I need you on this one. I can’t do it alone.”

“Fine. Just to get you off my back. I will come with you if you can prove alone that you can get Sandy to forgive you, okay?”

“Yes, okay. Let’s do this.”